Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I am ecstatic because of this little garment I tried on and fell in love with! It is the BODY MAGIC by ARDYSS!!! Do not be fooled by impostors, imitators, frauds and pseudo garments...they are NOT all alike...trust me, I've tried my fair share! I am so in love with this, I wanted to sleep in it last night, but there's also another reason for that....later.
Now, I know I am going on and on about this thing...and you are probably wondering why all the fuss? If you have never attempted to put one of these things on....you are in for a treat!
A friend of mine told me about this Network Marketing meeting that she wanted me to attend with her. At first I told her absolutely NOT! I hate those things! People all excited about the money SOMEBODY ELSE made, or passing around checks that look suspiciously like a copy of a Quicken check you make yourself on your PC, telling you "you too can be at the Diamond level after only one or two months!!" And most of the products or services are so expensive...nobody I know will buy it, much less join you in duping the rest of the world! PLEASE!! I hate it I tell you...hate it. But, I went anyway, just to support her....ok ok ok, that's a lie...I went because she told me I could model this garment and she PROMISED I would drop 2 sizes INSTANTLY!!!
INSTANTLY???!! Now, people have different ideas about this word. TO ME Instantly means - right this very minute...before I have a chance to blink the change is gon' come! Well, if this was the case, then this was something I had to see. So, I met her at the hotel and signed in. I noticed they took my email, phone number and address....great, I thought, I'll be bombarded with MLM information for the next 10 years! Anyway, I went in and waited for this presentation to start. There were about 10 other people there all waiting as I was so I asked the lady next to me if she knew what this was about. Big mistake! She was A PLANT!!! I'm convinced of it! She proceeded to tell me all about this magical garment that she was wearing and all it had done for her. I was NOT impressed! As she talked I said to myself...they are gonna have to do better than this dizzy broad to reel me in. I am solid on this...I will not join ANOTHER MLM! I don't care what the product is! I just won't do it!
Finally, she stopped talking as the presenters came in..."here we go" I whispered to myself, "time for the show!" They talked for about 10 minutes about the Body Magic and all it had done for them and the people they knew and a few more minutes about the other products the company had to offer and finally they brought out what was expected. The "pitch"! Yada, yada, yada...yeah, yeah, yeah. I tuned them out during this part, because I WILL NOT JOIN ANOTHER MLM! I don't care what the product is! I just won't do it!
The presenter finished and then said they wanted all the models to go upstairs and try on the garment, but first to come up and show everyone the "before" look. I got up and paraded my fat behind in front of all these strangers, but I didn't care. I wanted to see if I truly would drop 2 dress sizes...INSTANTLY! And if so, I wanted them to really take a good look at me now!
There were only three of us taken upstairs and ushered into another room. One girl was a size 6 so I couldn't figure out why she was there....another girl said she was a 14, but she looked like she could have easily been a size 18 or bigger! Nevertheless, we were instructed to strip down to our undies (yes, I was clean and matching!). I was measured and handed a garment and told to turn it inside out and pull it up from the thighs...ok, this should....be.....e...a...s...y! NOT! "I think you gave me the wrong size!" I was out of breath and it wasn't even up over my thighs! "No, keep pulling!"
Finally, I got it up over my thighs and butt...now for the tummy (ok, GUT!)... GRUNT...GROAN ..GRUNT...GROAN...SWEAT....CRY! WTH?! Are you serious? THIS IS THE WRONG SIZE PEOPLE!! Can't you see I am dying over here? "No, keep pulling!" I'm about to take this thing off and throw it out the freakin' window!
One of the ladies came over and helped me get it completely on, but now it needed to be hooked. Let me describe it at this point: It's a one piece garment with suspenders (see video above), but it has about TEN THOUSAND hooks in the front....now, just who is going to get me into and out of this thing everyday? "It will be easier after this first time...it will mold to your body and you will be putting it on faster everyday!" Yeah, ok....if you say so!
The lady says to me, "Ok, now lay down on the bed and let me hook you up." Easy enough. "This should be easy" she says, as she pokes my stomach. "Your pliable and soft!" Now I know that was meant to be a compliment, but I felt like a dang sofa on display! I laid down and she proceeded to start hooking the garment. Now I'm looking down and seeing all of my FAT bulging through this thing and saying to myself..."she'll never be able to do this". She was determined and as she pulled and grabbed and stuffed me into this thing, SHE began to SWEAT!
Now I was feeling bad, but there was nothing I could do about it. She pulled, and I gathered...I was sucking in my breath and she was grunting like a pig!! Just as I was about to give up...the other lady came over and said, "here, let me help!" Now, I am just laying there trying not to cry out in pain because lady #1 has her knee in my side and lady #2 has her elbow in my throat...but they are determined to get me in this thing if it KILLED ONE OF US!
I looked up and both of the other ladies are completely dressed and ready to go back downstairs and model for the group....here I sit, no here I lay, like a stuffed pig getting ready for the slaughter and no closer to being "hooked up" than I was 15 minutes ago!!
WE managed to stuff me into the garment and then she said..."Ok, now get up." What? I thought you guys could just put my clothes on and let the people come up here, 'cause there is NO WAY I can get up! WRONG! Not only did I get up, but once I put my clothes back on, I actually felt pretty good. Then I looked in the mirror....I was astounded! Shocked! Mystified! I looked GREAT!
For those of you that know me...you know I am a pretty confident full figured woman. But, now? Girl, please....tell LL COOL J, I'm ready!!! Somehow, this garment gave me that X factor that we all want...my waist was actually visible, and my boobs? Well lets just say, I could have served after dinner drinks and not spilled a drop! To top it all off; I felt pretty darn good! Once I was done admiring myself, we all went back downstairs to the conference room. We walked in and paraded our stuff in front of those strangers and I did the NAOMI CAMPBELL WALK! I was FIERCE!
I felt so good, I wanted to wear this garment for days upon days! Nights upon nights...I couldn't imagine taking it off! So I didn't! I purchased not only the one I had on, but I did the unthinkable...I joined the MLM business side! I promise you it was well worth the $300. As a matter of fact of the four that I get for joining I sold two of them at retail and made 100% of my money back...so it was FREE!
I can't tell it all here....you have to see it yourself.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Why, you may ask? Several reasons come to mind, none of which are really good excuses, but they are reasons so I stick with them. One: I have had them for about two weeks now and I am sick of eating a corner as a treat to myself...each corner is about 98 calories and it took me 8 days to eat two brownies this way. Two: and this is the most important reason....TODAY IS A FAT DAY!
I love FAT DAYS! These are the days where, it doesn't matter to me WHAT I eat or how much. These days don't count in my strive for FAT FREEDOM...these days are just days that I choose (hopefully, not back to back) to eat whatever I want and what I want is never healthy! So here I sit, pondering and eating, eating and pondering....my plan is to finish the last two brownies and then drink a glass of milk to wash it all down.
That was the plan....well, my body had other plans! I forgot that once you begin to eat healthy and your body gets adjusted to it...it's hard to go back and start eating junk in abundance! Can we say REJECTION?!?! In it's most ugly form...my body said NO WAY! Get a carrot...and get one NOW!
So the good news is this...I am adjusting to this new way of eating for my health and not for the heck of it! The bad news is this: No more binge eating! Back to one fourth of one half of a brownie as a treat! If I am truthful...this SUCKS!
I listen to these emaciated people telling me to only eat what comes from the earth and eat in moderation! Well, I don't want to! I want to eat what comes from the frozen food section of the grocery store, I want to eat what comes from the bread and sweet aisle and I want to eat EVERYTHING at the checkout counter! Yes, I was the kid whose parent needed the line that had a sign over it saying "No Candy Line!"
Sigh, it's all good....all this work and no sweets has helped me to lose a whopping 42 pounds! So, I will not go back...I will chose healthy...I will continue on my quest!
Or die trying! Give me that carrot stick....but, could you pass the ranch dressing too?!?
Friday, September 18, 2009
So, I'm looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that I have lost about 40 lbs so far. Woowho! Congrats to me, but then I look in my closet and you know that old saying of "every 10 lbs is a dress size"? LIE! I am only about two dress sizes smaller than before, so I think to myself...some of this stuff still fits. I can still wear this and that; I'm not tossing anything out! Now, the back of my mind and my compassionate side are screaming Salvation Army, Goodwill and donate. But, my first mind is holding on for dear life to the clothes in my closet and the past they represent!
This particular day I have many errands to run and have to get in and of the car many times, so I find a comfortable fitting (or so I thought) pair of black jersey knit gauchos (I know I know - who the heck still wears gauchos?). Black on black still makes you look smaller so I'm good!
First order of business is the Post Office, where I have to ship a huge bookcase to a friend of mine. Getting it in the car wasn't difficult since it only went from the house to the garage...no problem. Once I got to the post office....well, that's where the problems began. I pulled up to the door and realized that the close parking spaces were reserved for handicap...no good. I move on to the next closest one and back in for easy access.
As I jump out of the car, I felt a slight bit of "slippage", but I ignored it and kept moving to the rear to retrieve the bookcase. Now, I told you this was a fairly large bookcase and heavy as well. I needed help. Luckily a tall strong looking guy came along (I figure if they keep popping up...one of these FINE men and I are gonna click!) and offered to help carry one end for me. Whew, this should go smoothly now. WRONG!
As we enter into the post office, there are two sets of automatic doors. Walking to the first set and carrying my end of the bookcase.....there it goes again....slippage! What is slippage? When your pants are beginning to slip out of place! Once again, I ignored it...primarily because my hands were full and I was trying to move quickly, but also because, well I just didn't want to believe what was happening!
I made it through the first set of doors and as we entered....uh-oh, MAJOR SLIPPAGE...I could feel the cool breeze of the day on my lower back (which is actually my upper A$$) and I began to worry. I told myself it was ok, just walk with your knees together and you will make it. Well, that was mistake! I kept walking and just as we entered the second set of doors....SHOOP! Down to the knees they came! I was mortified, but had to keep walking! Now, the guy helping me is not aware of my dilemma...CLEARLY....as he kept walking and I really needed to stop and pull up my pants! NOOOOO, he says to me at my hesitation..."keep coming honey, were almost there!" Who the heck is WE??? I'm about to drop this big A$$ bookcase and save my dignity! Too late, I entered in the Post Office and my pants hit the FLOOR!
Now, I had to stop and stop I did...right in the doorway. I put the bookcase down and pulled up my pants as quickly as I could!
I would love to tell you that this was one of those days when the P.O. wasn't crowded or at least no one was looking my way. That would be too much like...right! I believe everybody in town AND their Grandmama was in the P.O. that day and they all had nothing better to do than to turn around and stare! The guy helping me was so embarrassed; he dropped his end and just let me slide it over to the wall as quickly as I could.
I gathered my pride AND my pants and stood in line to complete my transaction. Once it was my turn, the postal worker, who was clearly trying not to laugh, looks at my package and states..."Sorry Hun, that's just too big to ship USPS - You may want to go Brown (UPS)!" I just looked at her and wanted to absolutely die! I turned to go and she called to the back..."There’s a lady out here that needs HELP!" I distinctly heard much laughter coming from the back!
Needless to say, I went home and immediately packed up my too big clothes and shipped them off to Goodwill!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Let me begin by telling you what every woman already knows....I am struggling in this battle of the BULGE! Daily! I start, I stop, I start, I stop. This month, I am starting again and I am starting with a vengeance!
Week one – New Me equals NEW BODY! My attitude is adjusted and I am going for it! One hour in the gym EVERYDAY! No more excuses!
Week two - Ok, so this whole new me, new body workout thing is getting to be a bit much. I mean, I am trying to do the whole Army thing and - BE ALL I CAN BE...but, really.
This morning, I let my sister-in-law convince me to go to the gym and workout. Not a biggie, except, those who REALLY know me...know THE 6AM WORKOUT WAS A TRUE TEST OF MY FAITH!! Not to mention a test of my resolve to lose weight and get healthy. The call came at 5:11AM and I was sooooo very tempted to just ignore it and simply say, "Girl, I never heard the phone!" But, I got up and got dressed....challenging as it was, I did it! The whole time I kept saying....so what, you're FAT...you're still CUTE! The MEN STILL PAUSE, you don't have to KILL YOURSELF! LOL!
Any who, just so you know, my idea of working out is NOT listening to some unbelievably SKINNY CHICK scream...”And 1 and 2 and 3 - I CAN'T HEAR YOU" No, you can't hear me, because I can't BREATHE, much less COUNT OUT LOUD!!! So, I skipped the class (after watching for about 5 min. - you didn't know that watching a workout helps stimulate the brain to lose weight? Ha!), and went straight to the treadmills.
Now normally, I would just walk at a pace of 2.0MPH, MAAAYBE 2.2MPH - big MAYBE! This morning, the gym was crowded but I found a treadmill in the back of the room - away from the 4.0 and 5.0 runners! I'm minding my 2.0 business and here comes.....BARBIE! She's to my left. No biggie, I don't care that she STARTS OUT at 3.5 and works her way up to 4.5....I'm doing my own thing! Well, here comes....KEN! He is now to my right and DAGNABBIT he starts out at 5 and works his way up to 6.5 MPH!!!
You absolutely know what I am going to say, right? I got suckered into going from a calm, cool and relaxing walk to a FULL OUT RUN!!! OMG! Somehow, my hand kept pushing the speed up button and I found myself at 4.0!!!! WTH?!?!? Have I lost my mind completely? YES!!!
Question for you....have you ever just KNEW without a shadow of doubt that JESUS WAS COMING AT THAT VERY MOMENT...for nobody else but you??? I thought I was going to DIE!!! Every time, I reached for the STOP RIGHT NOW button...Barbie and Ken were smirking'...I know they were - they may deny it, but they were just waiting for me to pass out! Well, I didn't stop and actually got into a nice groove...the whole time singing in my head..."Lord, I'm running', trying to make 100, 99 1/2 just won't do!"
Finally, I guess Barbie got tired of me outrunning her and she slowed down to a measly 3.0MPH! Ha! I'm thinking' "I knew she was going to give in before me....now, if she would just STOP, we might both make it out of here alive!"
I couldn't take it anymore so I slowed it way down to 2.0MPH, but by this time, I swear I can see my HEART beating' completely out of my chest and the room is spinning and Barbie and Ken are no longer smirking....they are LAUGHING AT ME, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE GYM...in my mind anyway. I pressed the cool down button and came down to 1.5MPH....I thought ok, I'll jump off here and no one will know I almost died this morning! Welllllllll.....bad idea....you don't JUMP OFF ANYTHING IN THE FREAKIN' GYM!!!!! Somehow, while I was trying' to be Flo Jo, nobody told me my legs would feel like some rubber! I hit the floor....literally! Laid out on my back like I was "slain in the Spirit" as the old church folk used to say, and all I could hear was 'Barbie' asking me if I was hurt....Dammit, yes I am hurt....ok, not really, but my pride was utterly DESTROYED!!!
To top it off....there was this tall, dark and FINE, NO make that P-H-Y-N-E...guy at the end of the row and he was laughing so hard he had to stop working out! It took about three people, including Barbie and Ken to help me up and walk me over to the nearest bench, but we got there!
As I am nursing my pride and acting like my ankle was hurt, I look up at one of the TV's and CNN is on with a study on how too much exercise, too soon can possibly reverse the weight loss effects you are trying to achieve!! What? Are you kidding me, right now? I did all this and I might GAIN weight?
I learned a very valuable lesson this morning....forget the early morning workouts....Be you, boo and go to Denny's instead! Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity beats a showdown, make that BEATDOWN, with Barbie and Ken ANYDAY!